September 11, 2012

Yesterday, Today and Tomorrow

Most of you that know me personally know about yesterday..... It marked 18 years since I lost my mother. Even those that do know me may not know the whole story..... And I have gone round and round in my head about whether or not to post this. There are many pros and many cons. But this is my blog and I think that by posting my story it might help someone else. I hope it will help someone.
My mother. She was beautiful. She was unique. She had much love in her. She also battled some serious demons. She was an alcoholic. She had a mental disorder. Some say it was bi-polar, others that it was schizophrenia. But these things did not define her. She was also giving and caring and loving. Our relationship was very difficult. I loved her so much. I guess that shouldn't be in the past tense since I still love her so much. I miss her. I have always felt so much guilt when it comes to my mother. From a young age I felt responsible for her. Like I was the adult and she was the child. I know my mother loved me. I always knew it, even during the really difficult times. Even when I was being cussed at and hit on. Even when I was scared of her.
The last time that I saw my mother I was pregnant with my first child.I was 19. He was due in a matter of weeks. She was standing on my front porch cussing me out and trying to hit me. The Hubby stopped her from hitting me and made her leave. The last time I set on eyes on her she was in the back of a police car being taken to jail for disturbing the peace and drunk and disorderly.
A year later I would get a call in the middle of the night from my aunt asking to speak to The Hubby. I have to say that I gave her a hard time before waking him up to come to the phone. I knew then. I didn't know the how but I knew.... When he got off the phone with my aunt I looked at him and said, "My mom is dead." And then I lost my mind. This was 11 days before my first child turned one. My mother was due to visit in a matter of days to see her first grandchild for the first time. She lived 500 miles away.
My mother's house had caught on fire and she was overcome by the smoke before she was able to make it out. She had taken a new sleeping medication. She had left candles burning on the wood stove. They fell over into the newspapers and kindling.
I had to go view her body to decide if we should have an open or closed casket. We were thinking of my grandmother. She had a bad heart and was about to bury her youngest daughter. She had buried her youngest son some years before.
That was the worst experience of my life. I was not prepared for it. I guess I thought she would already be dressed and ready. She was not. She was on a cold metal table with a sheet over her. As much as I have tried to forget that imagine and only dwell on the thought of her laughing or smiling, it will not leave me. The Hubby was my backbone that day. I would not have made it through that without him by my side. He was literally holding me up and steering me through.
All this pain remains in me. I try to get past it. I try to tell myself that I have nothing to feel guilty about. But it is still there. Both the pain and the guilt. I try to replace these with thinking about the good times but it doesn't always work.
I need to pray about this. I need to ask God to sustain me. Ask Him to take this burden from my heart.
I feel like I am just rambling... I hope this has made sense. I hope that you can take something from this. Know, at least, that it is  possible to live through the near unbearable and come out alright. Just as my mother's illnesses did not define her, the situations I lived through do not define me.
Today. Just like you I will never forget where I was. I will never forget what I saw. The pain and anguish. The horror.
So, you see, the past 2 days have been horrible. I try every year and every year I end up in a state of depression.  BUT there is always TOMORROW. Tomorrow will be a good day. There is always HOPE in tomorrow.
I am going to go read my Bible and try to lean on God. He can pull me out of this when I have tried and failed. I just have to remember that.


  1. Stacy thanks for sharing such a touching personal story. All of our life experiences help to make us what we are. You are a caring and generous person and there are many who admire and appreciate all that you do.

  2. Sorry for your loss. Those kinds of anniversaries are not fun.
    I lost my mother 9 years ago. The pain never goes away.
    We had a turbulent relationship but I am ever grateful that God gave us her last year of life to resolve many issues.

  3. Thank you sooo much, LaVonne!!! You are a GREAT friend!!!!!

  4. HUGS, Missy!!! I am so glad you were able to make peace.

  5. I wish I could give you a hug! But since I can't I will share with you that your mother sounds just like my eldest daughter and every time there is an "incident" I live in fear that it will be the last tint I see her and she will die thinking I didn't love her. So, I will try to remember every 9/10 to hold you in my heart and prayers. I also wonder if it would be alright to share this days blog with my granddaughter who is the child of the daughter I spoke of. Hugs, Pam

  6. My favoite memory of your mom is on her wedding day (to your Dad)...she looked like a Disney princess. I also remember the Thanksgiving at Mom & Dad's when you and Andrea were infants (3 mos. apart in age) and we took pictures of both of you...with your parents and extended family....You still have the "Big Family" , as Dawn-Marie christened us years ago!!

  7. Thank you, Pam! Thank you so very much. And YES! Please share this if you think it will help! That's the reason I decided to write this out. I want to be able to help anyone else that might be going through the same things.
    HUGS and PRAYERS!!!

  8. Thank you, Aunt Gayla!!!! I would never have survived without the Big Family. I know you all love me and have always prayed for me. THAT is what saved me for so long.
    I love you!

  9. What a good daughter you ARE. Honey, we all have horrors in our lives, but so few of us bring them into the light of day. How brave you ARE. Your choice to share shows what a kind, loving, generous person you ARE. All of our experiences make us the people we are today. You are the Kings' daughter. How He Loves you.

  10. Stacy,
    thankyou for sharing your heart wrenching story to us. I know this was a hard thing for you to do, as facing this anniversary date...year after year is. I want you to know that My arms and heart are outstretched from a little town in Ms to you. My prayers are going out to our Heavenly Father right now. He has brought you through and He is holding you in His loving arms right now.. I pray you will feel His loving embrace, as you have never felt before.
    Know I will continue to pray for you. Hugs...Judy

  11. Thank you so much, Regena!!!
    You are so right! He loves us all unconditionally! How very blessed we are!!!

  12. Thank you very much, Judy!!! Prayers are the absolute best gift we can give and receive!! And they are the only things that can get us through each day.
    THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart!!!

  13. xoxoxoxo from across the globe! Thank you for sharing your story.

  14. I saw first hand some of the things that you went through when we were kids. There were some really bad times...but the were so really great times too! She could be so funny. She was a beautiful person. She loved you so much...and she would be so proud of you! I can't say that I understand what you have dealt with in your lifetime...but I know that it has made you the amazing person that you are today! Love ya and miss ya so much! Today more than ever I wish I could give ya a big ole HUG!

  15. Lots of love and hugs, Stacy. I knew some of the story, but not all of it. Thank you for sharing.

  16. Thank you, Amy!! I LOVE YOU!!! And I miss you, too!!!
    We have GOT to get together!!!!!! It's been way too long!!!
    THANK YOU, again!!!!! <3

  17. Hi Stacy,
    Sending you a big ole hug and prayers. Pray today will be a better day.. Hugs,


I <3 comments!! Thank you so much for taking the time! :)